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The Odyssey By Homer
(Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker)
Odysseus
I rule.
Poseidon
For your sin of pride, I curse you for all eternity.
(Unfazed, Odysseus boards his ship and sets SAIL for
Greece, where his family is awaiting his RETURN from Troy. A STORM happens, and
it drives them off course into the MEDITERRANEAN, where they come upon a strange
LAND owned by the giant Cyclops POLYPHEMUS who eats some of the men ALL UP, but
then they ESCAPE. Still lost, they run into the island of the sorceress CIRCE
who turns some of Odysseus' men into ANIMALS, and it takes YEARS before they
escape, and then they sail by some singing SIRENS, but they can't hear because
they have STUFF in their ears. Then they come upon an island where there is a
field of HERBS, and they all get HIGH, until Odysseus says it's time to GO. Then
Odysseus' men let a WIND out of a BAG, and some more men DIE. And they sail on
to HADES to talk to some DEAD people, and some more men DIE. And they steer the
ship between the six headed monster SCYLLA and the torrential whirlpool
CHARYBDIS, and Scylla makes some more men DIE, and Charybdis makes the rest of
them DIE. Then the ship busts up into a JILLION pieces, but Odysseus is SAVED by
the nymph Calypso who confines him to her ISLAND because she thinks he's HOT,
and she wants his BODY. Then years later she lets him GO, but Poseidon is
determined to terrorize him FURTHER. And then SUDDENLY Odysseus has an IDEA.)
Odysseus
Poseidon, I am sorry.
Poseidon
Ok, you can go home now.
(Odysseus goes home.)
THE END
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